Christmas is plum-pudding, baubles on a tree
Holly wreathes and reindeer, kids on Santa’s knee.
Christmas means three wise men, choirs of angels singing, oh –
But there’s something else that Christmas keeps on bringing – Christmas shopping.
Christmas shopping, Christmas shopping, I just lie awake at night
Wondering if those ties and socks and books and toys will be quite right.
Colour’s wrong, it doesn’t fit, I gave the same thing just last year.
If I had one wish right now I’d make the season disappear.
Have I done my best for Grandma, is the nightgown fine or not,
Will the ribbons give her rashes, will the fabric be too hot?
How will uncle like the bookends, what does cousin Nancy need?
Like a hamster on a wheel I’m going nowhere at full speed.
Shopping for the kids is easy and you’re sure you can’t go wrong.
They have made a list for Santa forty-seven items long.
But you find your hopes diminished as you race from store to store.
All their favourite toys are sold out and they’re not expecting more.
What about the children’s teachers? Fancy cookies, fancy soap?
Bloomin’ plants or books or chocolates I’ll just take a chance and hope.
For the papergirl and postman cash is better don’t you think?
But deciding just how much can drive me to the brink.
Christmas is roast turkey, Rudolph on the lawn,
Stockings hung by chimneys waiting for the dawn.
Christmas means a punch bowl with a yule log burning.
But there’s something else for which I am not yearning – Christmas concerts.
Christmas concerts, Christmas concerts, how I shudder with despair
At the thought of all that sitting on those folding metal chairs.
Weak sopranos, off-key tenors, dialogue that can’t be heard,
I must clap and yell for more, how totally absurd.
Christmas letters, Christmas letters, you must know the kind I mean,
Full of all the families’ doings, their’s is quite the winning team.
Mother’s golfing, dad’s promoted, and their kids do more than fine.
Why are other families so much cleverer than mine?
Christmas shopping, Christmas concerts, Christmas letters drive me mad
But when Christmas day is here I must admit it’s not so bad.
Gifts are opened, dinners eaten, carols sung with cups of cheer.
I give thanks, there’s lots of time, there’s three hundred and sixty-four
Shopping days ‘til next year!